Why don’t we just stop pooping?

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1. geno8808

   April 24th, 2007 at 5:37 am

   1

   When Sheryl Crow announced her “one square rule” on Earth Day to combat the coming global warming catastrophe I said to myself: my god what will she think of next?
   Apparently, to pass the time riding around the country on their bio-diesel bus, Ms. Crow and her partner in crime, Laurie David drink a lot of merlot and dream up these cockamamie ideas. On her website Ms.Crow shares her epiphany: http://www.sherylcrow.com/news.aspx?nid=7786 “ I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of conserving trees, which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares (sic) of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting.” She has other great ideas too. Get this, “the person who lives the “greenest life” reality TV show. Sure, why not? There you have it, a couple of wealthy women with a not so firm a grip on reality producing a reality TV show.

   Fear not, Ms. David has not left all the deep thinking to Sheryl, no, she’s gone off the deep end as well. In an interview at a self styled eco-web mag called “Seed”
   http://www.seedmagazine.com/news/2006/04/the_mother_of_all_issues.php?page=2
   She says the Bush Administration is the biggest barrier to the new Bolshevik revolution. Oops, make that the “green revolution.” She brags that she drives a hybrid car, reuses plastic bags, changes light bulbs, pulls her cell phone charger out of the wall, and enforces the “no idle” rule while waiting to pick up her kid from their elite private school. Also, She is lobbying the headmaster of the school to turn up the air conditioning at indoor polo ring. (No, that’s my idea) When asked how urgent she thought the global warming problem is she cites such prestigious scientific journals as Vanity Fair, Time and Elle magazine to back her claim that global warming is the greatest threat to planet since the dinosaurs were wiped out 65 million years ago in one fell swoop.

   Winding up their whirlwind tour in Washington just in time for Earth Day and the grand and glamorous White House Correspondents soiree, this dynamic duo went out their way to share their groundbreaking ideas with Karl Rove. Perhaps they had too much to drink because their conversation reputedly fell flat.

   Inevitably, the question everyone is aching to know, what or who influenced these fine ladies? Are these their original thoughts or is there something more behind this music? (I didn’t know Sheryl plays the accordion) http://www.sherylcrow.com/boards/default.aspx?cid=224&tid=112148
   Both ladies are in their mid-forties so that means they came of age in the mid seventies. Perhaps, they were inspired by India’s then Prime Minister Morarji Desai. Mr. Desai gained a good deal of notoriety for his pioneering work promoting a low carbon footprint lifestyle way before it was fashionable. Time Magazine reported in 1977 http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,915683,00.html:
   “At 81, he works twelve hours every day, travels incessantly around India addressing public meetings, talks with vigor and bluntness to his countrymen and conducts the business of government wherever he happens to be at the time. What is the secret of his youthful vim?”
   The Prime Minister thrives on a regimen that includes daily doses of carrot or apple juice, milk, yogurt, honey, fresh fruit, nuts and dates, and five cloves of raw garlic. And one thing more: he drinks his own urine.

   Early this month Desai startled a meeting of India’s Tuberculosis Association by informing his audience that “self-urine” therapy was a cure for cancer and cataracts; he claimed to have cured his own brother of tuberculosis that way. In response to a surprised reporter’s question, Desai acknowledged that “for the past five or six years, I have drunk a glass of my own urine‚Äîabout six to eight ounces‚Äîevery morning. It is very good for you, and it is even free. Even in the Bible,” he went on, “it says to drink from your own cistern.‚Äù

   Should I get the chance, I’ll certainly ask Ms. Crow if Prime Minister Desai’s early adoption of “sustainable lifestyle” practices was among the inspirations for her “one square rule.” I’m sure if I had heard of this back then, I might not have become a “global warming denier” A cure all and it’s free no less. How can you pass it up?
   I wonder if Ms. David and Ms. Crow are secretly practicing these rituals? Hopefully, People magazine can get to the bottom of this.

   While we may not have a high-powered research department anything close to People Magazine’s, my crack team of researchers believes they have discovered the source of Ms’ Crow and David’s ideas to save the world. We don’t know for sure, but it appears that a 1974 letter to President Ford from a helpful constituent is it.

   In his closing remarks to a National Energy Summit, President Ford called for Americans to make a list of “10 Ways to Save Energy and Fight Inflation”, share it with friends and send it to the President. Answering the President’s call, http://www.sullivansfarms.net/s1dneycom/lazlo/
   Lazlo Toth sent a missive with 10 suggestions and some extras if things get really bad “Depression with Honor” he calls it.

   Toth’s list very nearly mirrors Sheryl and Laurie’s ideas, the similarity is so startling some of my researchers are whispering plagiarism. If in fact this is all one big coincidence they should take a look at this to see if they can use any of it. Toth implores people to “go to sleep at 8 o’clock (save lights, wear on clothes), enact refrigerator laws (Phase 1, open three times a day, Phase 2, twice a day), use hankies not Kleenex (you can’t wash Kleenex), never toast one piece of bread because both sides of the toaster get hot (this is one Sheryl and Laurie haven’t thought of), flush every other time, (saves 50%), up elevators only below the twelfth floor. In what he calls Toth Extras, we find the suggestion that must have been where Ms. Crow got her “one square rule.” Toth proposes the Toilet Cloth (see Kleenex replacement above you can’t wash toilet paper!). This Toth charactar must be like Nostradomus or something, he saw this global warming thing coming more than three decades ago.

   If Sheryl Crow and Laurie David undertook their tour to make themselves look foolish they have been wildly successful. The amazing thing about this spectacle is that these women are trying to be serious. Instead, it looks like they’re doing the remake of “Dumb and Dumber” This is great for people like me who think this whole global warming thing is a giant farce. I guess this is what happens when you allow a couple of dilettantes to act as front men. If you want catch these two twits in action, you can tune into what else, reruns of Oprah, the queen twit.